Anxious

I have been feeling really anxious these past few days. I’ve have never been a patient person so I knew waiting for certain milestones in my pregnancy would be difficult; I just never knew it would be this thought consuming. I just want to rush time and have my baby in my arms.

I cannot wait to feel Baby Cayden kick. True, I am feeling stuff, sensations, fluttering; but it’s not distinct or consistent. About every other day I feel a little fluttering in my belly that I know is not gas or digestion. I know it’s the baby doing something…a somersault, a lap around the belly or a flip. I can’t wait until I feel these sensations all the time and they become more distinctive. The baby is (according to my weekly newsletter from American Pregnancy) a little over 5 inches. I simply can’t believe I don’t feel a 5 inch person moving around in my belly.

Chad bought me a gift card to Motherhood Maternity for Christmas. So this weekend I decided it was time to cash in. I bought a pair of jeans, a pair of slacks and two shirts. I wore the jeans yesterday and (as Chad predicted) I was not ready for them. They kept sliding off me all day. My belly is not big enough to fill them out. It disappointed me a little bit. I don’t want to become as big as a house, but I am ready to have a full, round, beautiful baby belly proudly protruding before me.

I am still waiting to gain my first pregnancy pound. I know this shouldn’t be an issue, but again according to my pregnancy newsletter I should have gained between 5 and 10 pounds by now. Chad is ultra concerned about this; especially since we read that lack of weight gain leads to pre-mature birth. I am in no way interested in gaining 50-80 pounds and becoming a little chub-o, but I want to be healthy and I want to make sure Cayden is getting all the proper nutrients he needs. I feel like I eat all the time. I eat lots of dairy, fruits and veggies. The doctor hasn’t said anything about my lack of weight gain. However, on my next pre-natal visit if I haven’t gained at least 3 pounds I will definitely be having a conversation with the doctor about it. I mean I am over 4 months pregnant and in my second trimester. Oh well, I will just count myself among the lucky ones. Maybe I will pull a Jessica Alba.

I think I let the whole “you might go into pre-term labor” scenario get to me. I said I wouldn’t, but it snuck up on me and I let fear creep into my mind. It’s amazing…the joy that is felt with pregnancy is also coupled with extreme fear and anticipation. I find myself saying over and over again “I just want everything to be okay.” Chad has been spending many hours listening to all my irrational fears and doing his best to support me and reassure me that everything will be okay.

I just need to let my pregnancy take its own course. I keep comparing myself to other pregnant women; some of which are much further along than I am. I am on the internet doing research constantly trying to figure out when certain things are suppose to happen and wondering why it’s not happening to me yet. . It’s amazing…because once I found out I had life inside of me I wanted it to be apparent in every way possible. I just need to take a breath, step back and enjoy all these precious moments as they happen—and they will happen.