Stay At Home Mom?—Update

Well, Chad is not getting as big of a raise as I was hoping for and he certainly isn’t getting it anytime soon. I also found out that I can’t teach because there isn’t an opening in the area I am qualified for. I can still work at UOP part time in the testing center. It would only be about 10 hours a week. It would not be a lot of money at all, but I keep thinking every little bit helps.

I just keep looking at the numbers. I look and then I re-look and then I look some more. And I just can’t seem to make them work. Chad would need a significant pay increase— even with me doing the testing job part time. And it just doesn’t look like that is going to happen; even though he is long, long overdue for a raise and is an excellent employee. I keep telling him to fight harder, but, no matter what it doesn’t seem like it will happen.

I feel crushed—devastated by this latest realization. I know that babies go to daycare all the time and they are fine. I know Cayden will be taken care of. But I also *know* that nobody can take as good of care of him as *I* can.

I never thought I wanted something like this, but once the possibility crept into my mind I feel in love with the idea of being able to take care of Cayden. I have a lump in my throat as I write this and I am sure that once I get home I will sob.

Again, it all goes back to the house…the dreaded house, my one big, giant regret. If we didn’t have the house I would be able to stay home; no doubt, no question. The mortgage is almost twice as much as the rent in our old townhouse and we took out a loan to re-do the back yard and now we have to pay for water. So in total, if we didn’t have the house we would be saving $14,700 a year. That’s outrageous…for a house that isn’t worth anything and didn’t help us at all on our taxes. It makes me sick. I really need to get over the whole house thing because there isn’t a damn thing I can do to change it and hating the place you live in cannot be healthy.

I *hate* that we don’t have this figured out. I feel so irresponsible for getting pregnant without knowing who will take care of my child. Does anyone have it figured out? I don’t know. But not having it figured out is giving me anxiety and stress and frustration and anger and all things that are not good for the person living inside me.

It boils down to this...I want to be at home with my child. I want to raise him. And knowing that there isn't a real possibility of me being able to do this is killing me.

I am positive this is not the last time I will be talking about this. I am sure it will change and re-change a million more times before Cayden is born and my FMLA is over. I just know that if you wait too long to make a decision the decision makes itself for you.